Loss

I remember telling my sister that Tom isn't lost because I know right where he is!  However, I'm feeling lost because I can't get to him right now.  It's so hard for my tiny brain to go back 28+ years to my life before Tom...I guess I really don't want to.  It's like picturing my life without Christ...I don't want to.  Tom and I were "one flesh" and my flesh has been ripped open...they say time heals...hard to imagine ever healing from this kind of flesh wound.  I'm not sure I want to heal...I don't want to forget the warmth, care, comfort, love, strength, security and did I mention love?  All that Tom brought to my life...gone...except for the bond that held us...Christ.  I guess I'm continuing to realize how much I still need Him, Christ.  I thought I needed Him through Tom's illness...I'm needing Him even more now.  I find it only "like God" to have Ann Voskamp write a recent blog "How to Handle Losses"...here are a few lines that pricked my soul:

As Sarah, Zac and I raked leaves Sunday afternoon this really hit me:

"...the way the trees made dying look glorious."

 

It’s Biblical — let everything that has breath praise the Lord.

But just because He allows everything to,

doesn’t mean most everyone takes Him up on the offer.

Is it robbery for everything that has breath

to take oxygen from His world and not praise the Lord?

Who am I to complain in losses — when what I lost wasn’t mine to begin with?

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return.
The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;
blessed be the name of the Lord.”

Job 1:20-21

 When thanksgiving is your default — the enemy gets his defeat.

You defeat your dark when thanksgiving is your default.

Anything I have, I don’t deserve.

Everything I have isn’t a given — it’s given.

Nothing is a given — everything’s a gift.

Who am I to complain in losses when what I lost wasn’t mine to begin with?

-Ann Voskamp, A Holy Experience

 

Tom was a gift from God.

 

Lord, help me not to complain of Your perfect plan.

I pray that today I will not rob You of the praise that is due You.

Help me defeat the enemy by making thanksgiving my default.

Thank you for caring for Tom in my absence.

Until I meet You...

 

Yesterday I met with our (I will continue to use this term "our", because it's what is natural for me, nothing is mine) financial planner.  I have a long list of "to do's"...hard things for me.  But, just like God...I was on the phone with the nurse at Matt's college (MVNU), as we finished our conversation about student health coverage she asked if she could pray with me!  It is the first...my heart melted and I said "of course"...of many phone calls, many people offering "condolences", but this was the first offer for sweet communion with The One Who really cares...it meant more than she could know!

 

P.S. - Happy Birthday, sweet 16...Cherith Lynn!

I love you, Cherith