Work of Words

"To see it on the calendar, this week appears all innocence and grace.

Seven days lined up in a row, neatly strung together by mornings and evenings,

full of expectation and promise."

-Hannah, "Sometimes A Light" blogger

To be totally honest...I didn't see the week as 'innocence and grace', but I loved how she put the week into an eloquent work of words.  I haven't had a lot of 'expectation and promise' and that's my fault.  Remember just a few blogs ago I wrote about vision...how quickly my vision is skewed, I forget that expectation and promise are WHO I am looking to and not what's written, or not written, on my calendar.  Hannah went on to blog:

"Little did I realize that it was a malevolent beast waiting to pounce and wreak havoc on my simple, easy life."

Julie Mitchell, RN...she was Tom's nurse, now mine!

Yep, a malevolent beast pounced on me last Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday and wreaked havoc on my crazy, complex week...not only affecting (or is it effecting) me...but many others like Sarah, Zac and Julie Mitchell, RN extraordinaire.  To make a long, dramatic story short, I ended up in the ER at OSU!  I was dehydrated and they wouldn't let me leave after two liters of IV fluid...I had to wait for four!  My blood pressure dropped to 80/40 and I tried to explain to them that I was on HIGH blood pressure medication since Tom's "graduation" just 4 short, but very long, months ago!  I couldn't believe they were "holding" me there until my blood pressure went up!  I can't sing the praises of Zac, Sarah and Julie enough, for their quick responses, over-and-above-attention and just being there for me in my time of need.  (Thankful I wasn't home alone at the time)

Florida with Kent & Suzanne Homoelle

As I mentioned, yesterday marked Tom's 4th month of "real life" and I continue to struggle.  As Suzanne Homoelle and I sat down to dinner at Panera last night, I looked at my watch at 6:30 and vividly remembered watching Tom take his last earthly breath, exactly four months ago to the minute.  A memory never to be forgotten.  I am so thankful for friends and family who continue to walk this journey of pain with me and help me through this process.  I've never walked a path like this and the "terrain" is rough.  Thank you for bearing with me through the tears and ramblings of a broken heart....I love you, Suzanne!

Mike, Cheryl, Lisa & Tom in Florida

There continue to be rays of God's sunshine on my journey...one being a VICTORY for the MVNU Cougars last Saturday against Marian University!  What fun it was to celebrate with Matt and to have Mike, Cheryl, Braden and Morgan join us at our Mt. Vernon "hot spot" to enjoy fellowship together after the game.  Mike and Cheryl continue to put their shoulders down for me to cry and lean on, time after time.  Already both of them have committed to be here for me that first week of March when I have surgery.  I love my family!

Our Last Florida Trip

As I think of the quote above, "expectation and promise", that is what awaits me on Monday, February 18th as I head south to Florida!  I can hardly contain myself thinking about the "get-away" opportunity I have.  But I must be straightforward, I've already cried my way through breakfast and even as I type, thinking of going to Florida without Tom is almost unbearable.  The majority of Florida memories are with Tom...I didn't realize making new memories would be so hard.  Tom and I always said, "the anticipation of a get-away is half the fun"...bittersweet anticipation.

Lisa, Tom, Kelly & Terry - Nokomis Grove, Florida

Many of you are wondering how my doctor's appointments went last Tuesday...well, long! I am SO thankful for my sister going with me. Not only has she been there all through Tom's illness, she now has been with me every step of my journey.  Her strength, wisdom, love and guidance have been a God-send.  I am so proud when doctor's come in to meet me and I can introduce them to Kelly!  She listens with ears of retention and can ask smart questions.  I can't thank God enough for blessing me with a sister...Thanks, Kel...Love you.  So the appointments...confusing, yet enlightening.  The radiologist wants to keep my "options" open to possible radiation (post-surgery) once we get the pathology report back (about a week after surgery) so I'm not making any major reconstruction decisions until then.  The risks are high for me with radiation, so we wait and see.  The plastic surgeon was great...I really liked him.  He made everything very clear and we came up with a surgery plan.  Instead of a double mastectomy I will just be having a single.  There are many reasons why I have changed my mind (I am a woman so I have that prerogative, right?!)  Basically I am cutting my risks in half!  Many more decisions will have to be made once the pathology report comes back.  So, the biggest need is for clarity from that report...pray!  This "next phase" will take about six months...healing, possible reconstruction, healing, etc.  Surgery is confirmed (no time yet) for March 6th, with hopefully just an overnight in the hospital.  I am thankful that my mom will be here to help me through the home recovery stage.

"My eyes fail with longing for Your salvation
And for Your righteous word."

Psalm 119:123

Thank You, Jill Petrel for dinner Tuesday evening after a long day of doctor appointments!

Baked Chicken, Rice, Green Beans, Bread &

Berry Pie!

This week brought an array of cards/gifts in the mail...

Thank You to Patti Sweigard for the Valentine cookie!

Thank You to Dave & Linda Scott for the generous Panera gift card & note of encouragement!

It's tax season...I need HELP!

Help arrived, just like last year, through Sarah Fudge!

Thank You, Sarah for helping, loving & caring...not just in preparing our taxes,

BUT for praying with and for me!

 

"I will bless the Lord at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul will make its boast in the Lord;
The humble will hear it and rejoice.
O magnify the Lord with me,
And let us exalt His name together."

Psalm 34:1-3

Chemo Complete!

I am so thankful to be through with this phase of treatment!  So far, I'm doing really well, better than any of the previous three treatments!  Can I be so bold to ask you to pray for God's wisdom over the next days for decisions that need to be made as to the course I go from here?  Tomorrow I meet with an oncology radiologist to go over my 1989 radiation chart to see if there is any room for more radiation on my body.  Please pray that God would make it very clear as to whether I am a candidate for more radiation.  Following that appointment I will be meeting with a plastic surgeon regarding the options I have post-mastectomy.  I am so thankful for the people whom God has placed in my life to give me great counsel and encouragement down this path that seems so ominous.  Thank  you to Suzanne Homoelle, Ruth Beschta, Gayla Coldren and Karen Rugg-Klapheke who have walked the road of breast cancer with such grace and have been so willing to share and advise me in the immense decision making process.
I don't want to be "doom and gloom", but the days/nights have been hard.  I do want you to know that God continues to sprinkle His rays of sunshine on my gloomy days and I stop and say, "thanks".  Meals come, friends/family surround, prayers are heard, notes of encouragement come, handy-man repairs done, anonymous gifts arrive and sitting down to dinner after Matt's basketball game at a Mt. Vernon "hot-spot" a gift card comes to our table!  God is good, God is good all the time, God is good even if the meals, family, friends, prayers, notes, and gifts didn't come, but He has a way of continuing to lift me and encourage me as only He can do.
Satan's attacks come mostly at night for me.  I don't think the steroids help!  Laying awake, crying and wanting Tom's touch to soften the pain is almost unbearable.  My mind turns to scripture to ease the engulfing loneliness and God meets me.  It is a battle of my mind...choosing where to go with my thoughts.  Today as I looked at a picture...

(Tom's touch on my shoulder)

I longed for his touch of comfort as I walk (seemingly) alone on this journey.  I so desire and miss his incredible wisdom in decision making and long for his input as I struggle with life-impacting decisions.  I then found this picture...

(sorry for the size, but it's my hand on Tom's shoulder)

 The power of touch.  As I sat in church Sunday (crying my way through tender words in song) Ginny leans over and wraps her arm around me...she'll never know the impact that had.

"What was from the beginning, what we have heard, what we have seen with our eyes,

what we have looked at and touched with our hands,

concerning the Word of Life— and the life was manifested,

and we have seen and testify and proclaim to you the eternal life,

which was with the Father and was manifested to us—

what we have seen and heard we proclaim to you also,

so that you too may have fellowship with us;

and indeed our fellowship is with the Father, and with His Son Jesus Christ."

I John 1:1-3

My life has been such a focus of "wife" over the past couple of years caring for Tom in such amazing ways that I started to lose sight of the "mom" I am to three amazing children.  My focus became skewed in looking at what I've lost in Tom and being a wife that I'm embarrassed to say that I wanted to "give up" in a way, not fight as hard, let the kids move on without the hurt of sick parents...then I read this:
"So God made a mother.
It had to be somebody willing to keep loving when it made no sense because that’s what love does.
Somebody who knew that patience is a willingness to suffer.
That joy is always possible because there is always, always something to be thankful for.
And that life is not an emergency but a gift — so just. slow. down.
Somebody willing to feed and lead, lay down her life and pick up her cross, give of her time because they have her heart. Someone who knows that we all blow it — and what matters is what we then do after.
Someone who could humble herself into the tender sorry that covers a multitude of sins."

-Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts

I'm fighting, I'm willing to suffer, I've slowed down (I stayed in bed until 11:00 a.m. today!), I'm laying down my life, picking up my cross because of Jesus, Sarah, Zac & Matt...I love you!

Surprise Gift of Goodies for my last Chemo Treatment

Thank You, Jennifer Deskins!

Thursdays Dinner

Tortellini Soup, Tortilla Wraps, Fresh Fruit and

Valentine Heart Cookies!

Thank You, Beth Beatty!

I can honestly say I had no clue who was playing in the Superbowl this year until the day before the big game!  Without a husband to keep me informed I was "out of the loop"!  I am so thankful that Zac and Sarah could host their Grace Group Superbowl party here at the house while I made my way to Carylee's for our own Superbowl "party".  What friendship we share and the Superbowl had nothing to do with our enjoying our evening talking about Tom, weddings, quilts and memories...priceless.  Thank you, Carylee for hosting me along with all of Jess' friends for a Superbowl to remember...the first without Tom.

 

I will fill you in on my upcoming schedule (subject to change) since I'm not sure when I will get back to blogging this information.
Thursday, February 7th, 12:15 p.m. appointment with Oncologist (follow-up)
Thursday, February 14th, 10:00 a.m. appointment for pre-op testing & physical
Monday, February 18th, 8:05 a.m. fly to Ft. Myers, FL for 2 week visit with Mom & Dad
(Ginny Englehart is joining me for the 1st week & Carylee Meyers is my 2nd week companion!)
Tuesday, March 5, 8:30 p.m. fly home to Columbus with Carylee & Mom, coming for 2 weeks to care for me post-op!
Wednesday, March 6...mastectomy tentatively scheduled
Tomorrows appointment with the plastic surgeon will hopefully nail down the surgery date.