A Day to Celebrate!

Today marks one year since my last chemotherapy infusion!  I praise the Lord for this last year, even though it has been an extremely hard year...it's been another year granted to me to enjoy family, friends and His grace. 

For through the Law I died to the Law, so that I might live to God.

I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me;

and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God,

who loved me and gave Himself up for me.  I do not nullify the grace of God,

for if righteousness comes through the Law, then Christ died needlessly.”

Galatians 2:19-21

None of us know the "number of our days".  I seem to live in the balance of being fully aware of my mortality and yet living with full abandon.  It's a hard place...dealing with the 'what if's' and yet tossing aside my fears and really living, wholeheartedly.  I think so often of Tom, not quite experiencing fifty earth years and wondering if my earth years will turn into heavenly years before the dreaded five-oh...only God knows the number of my days...and for that I'm thankful.  He allows us to choose how we live these days...with Him or without Him.  I'm choosing "with Him"...I'm all in, ready for His lead, His way, His glory.  Tom set an unprecedented example of how to be "all in" and with such an amazing attitude.  He was so ready for God's plan to be unfolded in his life...no matter what the plan was!  I'm thankful I got a front row seat to watch, listen, and anticipate with Tom his journey to Jesus.

You’re going to have to get it:

Death may be certain, but when it comes is uncertain,

which is what makes the living gloriously uncertain — a choice.

-Ann Voskamp, A Holy Experience

These past few weeks (months) have been the coldest and snowiest that I can remember.  It's caused some "cabin fever" for me.  I never minded "cabin fever" when Tom and the kids could enjoy the cabin with me.  Sarah reminded me the other day how special it was to have her dad be an educator and get to experience "snow days" with our family.  Lately, many schools (& universities) have had their fair share of "snow/cold days".  Locally, just this week, they had three days off!!  As I huddle up in the comforts of my little cabin...I reminisce of snow days...time with family, sledding, roasting marshmallows in the fireplace, hot cocoa, and old family videos to watch!  Good memories, great family...I'm thankful for the memories of "snow days'.  However, I'd be lying if I didn't say that the huddling up in my place, alone, isn't painful.  I've spent too much time wallowing in the "woe is me" and not "WOW is the Lord"!  Loneliness is engulfing and I thank the Lord for His presence in my time alone, however it is a choice for me where to place my thoughts.  

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone;

I will make him a helper suitable for him.”

Genesis 2:18

God is so good to have blessed me (for 27 years) with the most amazing man, I was privileged to be his helpmate.  I can't forget God saying "it's not good for the man to be alone", but is it good for the woman to be alone?  No, I have a Helper...

"I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper,

that He may be with you forever;  that is the Spirit of truth,

whom the world cannot receive, because it does not see Him or know Him,

but you know Him because He abides with you and will be in you."

John 14:16-17

Tonight I'm going to celebrate because:

Everyone knows they will die. They just don’t know when.

So forget about the when. Who cares when you die.

The real question is: when will you start to live?

-Ann Voskamp, A Holy Experience

 

A Christmas to Remember

Zac, Sarah, Lisa & Matthew

Why is it that we tend to remember the bad times better than the good times?  I've heard that the more we feel an experience, the better we remember it!  If that's the case...I'll never forget this Christmas.  As my last post stated I had a "simple" out-patient procedure to internally blast an overly large kidney stone on the Friday before Christmas.  Two, or maybe three, days of discomfort, pass the stone fragments and life moves on...not for me!  After three days of increasing pain, calls to the doctor, drinking fluid non-stop, I woke up Christmas morning feverish.  My parents loaded me up and delivered me to OSU Medical Center where I eventually was diagnosed with urosepsis from blockage between bladder and kidney...after an emergency surgery to place a stent, heavy antibiotics and two nights in the hospital, I came home.  It's been a very, LONG two and a half weeks.  Finally, today I am seeing some light at the end of this long, dark tunnel.  Today the stent was removed, relief!

I realize I am not a nice person when I'm in pain.

I realize I said some mean things to people I will probably never see again.

I realize I'm a pampered, spoiled American who expects things (comfort)...

and when I don't get them I pout, scream & kick (& talk "ugly" too)!

Lord, forgive me...

"But no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison.

With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men,

who have been made in the likeness of God;

from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing.

My brethren, these things ought not to be this way.

Does a fountain send out from the same opening both fresh and bitter water?"

James 3:8-11

I realize I am broken.  I am bitter.

I realize I need a Savior.

EVERY BREATH

EVERY SECOND

Until He calls me home.

I have found myself on several occasions blaming 'not having a husband to temper me' as why I'm the way I am or why I said something I shouldn't have.  I could not have made it through the past two weeks without my parents being here...serving, loving and just being here physically to encourage when I felt so discouraged!  

 

Recently while reading a chapter in "Let Me Grieve but not Forever", God grabbed my heart...



"Was there meaning in my life solely because of Tom?

Or was my life with Tom a wonderful bonus to the

meaning in my life because of God?  So does meaning

for me now become impossible because there is no Tom?

Or can there be renewed meaning because there is a God?

I have lost Tom - I haven't lost God.  One was a gift in time;

the other a gift for eternity."

-Verdell Davis

(changed name from Creath to Tom)

 

Another inspiring blog I'm following:  Undiminished Me

 

I am not content though, to go through this process of grieving Tom's loss via the path of least resistance.  If there is something good to be got from it, by Golly, I want to get it.  The pain is too much to come out with bitterness, disillusionment, cynicism, or mere apathy.  Those are what I think I will end up with if I don’t actively fight my way through this thing. Or as C.S. Lewis so aptly put it, “If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.”
I will get there in time.  I will resist the urge to lie on the couch in the fetal position watching re-runs of “HGTV” 24/7 while eating a case of Twizzlers and sulking in sadness.  Instead, I will talk to Him more about my little case of denial.  I will stay in fellowship with the saints and allow them to minister truth to me.  I will worship and praise Him and study his Word harder than ever.  I will cherish the memories I have and, someday, I will praise Him for the demise of one very fine young man with my head and heart.
I will grow—grow to more like Christ and not be diminished.
(Ok, I changed a few words to make her statements mine...is that legal?)